253. Pain

I was talking to my friend Tom last night - we talked about getting older, our parents getting older, and the pain left behind when you lose someone you love. Tom mentioned that it is so much better when you don't expect death. The pain from sudden death of a love one is a blow, intense, but overall easier than a knowing that death is coming. I have experienced that blow, the smack in the chest, pain so intense that you can't breathe. A pain I never want to feel again. I told Tom I didn't get it. Who would choose that pain from sudden lose over getting to say good-bye? His response made me understand. His father has Alzheimer's and the disease's path has been obvious for the past several years. Tom explained that he has felt pain, not intense pain, but subtle pain over several years. The grieving process has already began and will continue for years and then some after his father passes. Collectively, even though not intense, the amount of pain is greater because it is over such a long period of time.

When my step-dad was ill I didn't include the last year of his life as part of the grieving process, but in retrospect I was grieving before his death and for months after. I have thought about it. Even though the grieving process was longer I was able to say every thing that I wanted to say to Papa.  We all have to go someday, but at least if you know death is coming you can make your peace, tell your love ones that you love them no matter how painful.