When you have children you realize that you love someone so much that you fear losing them. When Abbey was about 2 years we took her on a Metro ride to downtown. As we got off the Metro her foot got caught in the gap between the subway and the platform. It was only a few seconds, but I really had to work at freeing her foot. As the doors on the car closed I was terrified the train would start to pull away from the platform and drag my child with her. In the end, nothing happened. She was fine, not even hurt, but I still have crystal clear nightmares about that day. A few years before my daughter Katie choked on a tortilla. If I think about the blue color of her face before we were able to dislodge the food mass from her airway my heart starts to pound, my breathe becomes erratic, and my eyes water. I feel the absolute panic just thinking about what happened 10 years ago.
For some reason in the middle of the night while I was trying to comfort my mom I remember an event that happened in childhood. I was so young that thinking about it doesn't bother me in anyway. But I realized it likely still terrifies my mom even though it happened 30 years ago. One night I walked into my room and discovered my parakeet, Chirpy, was dead. I screamed and ran into my brother's room to tell him about it and he was already asleep. I looked inside his bird's cage and Tweetie was also dead. I let out a second scream which oddly didn't wait my brother up. My mom came running and quickly thought about the canary in the coal mine. She got everyone out of the house and had to carry my brother outside. The heater had a crack in it and it was spilling carbon monoxide into our home. Had we not had the birds we would have all died that night. My grandparents would have discovered the tragic scene the next morning when we all failed to report to school and work. We all survived, except the bird. And thanks to the birds everything was just fine. As a child I didn't realize how close we came to death - I was a child I was immortal. No fear. But now I am a mother I realize that my mom must think of this event from time to time and feel sheer terror even though it happened so many years ago. So when she wakes up in the middle of the night full of paranoia that her family is in danger, at some point in her life her paranoia was not unfounded.
And she has had a pet bird ever since.
Dear Wendy, I am in awe of your memories and insights, and I am grateful that you continue to share these in this manner. In this troubled economic time each of us knows of an instance when things could have gone better. Your essay, today, increases my sensitivity to the multitude of times when things go right - when they could have gone horribly. A regular day is a day to be cherished.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Wendy.