25. Change

So much has changed in the last year for me and my family I feel like I am living someone else's life. It was March when my step dad really started declining from prostate cancer. I knew he wasn't going to make it. But of course we were trying to go on like life was normal.

Today, I was ordering tickets for my daughters' play production performance and a flood of memories came rushing back. The first day that Ken could not continue as normal was on the morning of last year's play production performance. My mom called me, obviously stressed out. She tried to sound calm and nonchalant. She said Ken must just have a little cold or something because he couldn't get out of bed. It was like that for the next two months. My mom always hoping that he just didn't feel well and the next day he would be just fine. We all wanted that, but knew differently. He died two months later, one day after his 78th birthday.

Of course we all miss him so terribly it is physically painful, but it is this feeling of living in a dream world that is hard to comprehend. My mother called today and wanted to know if she should reorder UCLA season football tickets. My parents would go to all the games together, and have for years. Nobody really used them this last fall, so should she order them again? How about the season opera tickets? Nobody liked the opera but Ken. There are 20 cans of mushrooms in my mom's kitchen cabinet. She hates mushrooms but can't seem to throw them out. Christmas was just plain surreal. I feel like I should just order him a play production ticket so he is always with us.

None of us will ever be the same, but my mom has particularly changed. Without her soul mate of 30 plus years I think she is often lost in this alternative world that we are all stuck in. Whether we are ready for change, or not, it will happen often during our life time. Eventually over time, the new becomes the norm and hopefully this life will once again feel like it belongs to us. Hopefully...