108. Intent

For the second time in a month someone told me that intent does not matter, only actions. The first instance was with my daughter being called a "bully" (see earlier blog post if you missed it.). My friend described my daughter Abbey as a "bully" because she had kicked her child but Abbey's intent was irrelevant.

Today, a co-worker who was offended by one of my actions thought I was being disrespectful and clearly stated that my intentions of whether I meant to be rude or not was irrelevant. There must be a best seller out there on conflict resolution that covers this - the start of their conversation was identical! Creepy and surreal. Any way, since he perceived the act as rudeness, it was therefore disrespectful. He noted three similar situations, a hence a pattern of actions of rudeness. I heard his criticism. I know that I am blunt, straight forward, and often too much for people. I get that. He was trying to help me work better with other and grow socially. I appreciate his efforts, but honestly I don't know if I can.

I am a bit socially awkward. It is a disadvantage of being smart. I like to get a lot done and often don't have time for long warm ups in conversation. I enjoy people, I enjoy my friends, but I don't always connect social situations and work. Part of it has to do with a lack of my ability to filter out how I feel. If someone asks me what I think, I will tell them. It may not be what they want to hear. It is not meant (intent) out of disrespect or dislike, it just is - just factual. I think others connect my comments to whether I like them or not. That has nothing to do with it... there are very few people I don't like.

My co-worker warned me that this will likely not serve me well in the future and he is probably right. People don't like to hear their faults or what a captive audiences true feelings are. They all want to feel they are doing a great job and there are no complaints. I get that.

No one is perfect and neither is my co-worker. He works hard, supports our programs. He is there when you need him, but his leadership style can resort to yelling and dictatorship when he is angry or disagrees. Doesn't bother me, so I haven't said anything to him, but others are absolutely terrified of him. I can hear his criticism of me and I will work on refining my leadership style, but I wonder if he would be open to another's criticism of himself. I wonder if he would accept that he intimidates people? We all like to hear we are perfect but the truth is none of us are perfect.