92. Mom's Day

I am writing late in the day not because it was so busy that I couldn't get to blogging until late. It was quite the opposite. It is Sunday, Mother's Day and I found things to do in order to keep from having to write tonight.

My intention for this day was to write something wonderful and beautiful about my mom, but that just not where I am right now. She is having some obvious physical and mental problems. She doesn't want to tell anyone or talk about it  as if no one would notice, but it is getting harder and harder to have a regular conversation with her. I hate that her sickness has ended up defining our relationship. Because I am the closest child and her only daughter most of the burden falls upon me. I don't mind helping and taking care of her, but all I usually get is the tired, confused, and in-need-of-help mom. She perks up for others. 

It sounds strange, but sometimes she is so much in another world that I don't recognize her - she seems like a stranger or alien. The more I hang out with this "other" person, the less I remember my real mom. I am getting older and my memory isn't as sharp as it use to be.  I hope that I can hold onto the "real" memory of her. 

What frustrates me, must be excruciating to her. She knows she gets confused and lost in conversation. She gets embarrassed. She smiles sweetly and makes a pleasant excuse for not remembering what she was talking about. Other times she just talks about something totally unrelated to the conversation in order to cover up the lost thought. I almost always just go along and agree with whatever the idea, story, or train of thought it is - I have gotten use to the wandering conversation, but  if for some reason if I can't agree, she can become quite upset with me.

Today we went over to her house to barbecue  hamburgers for lunch. She seemed tried and more lost than she has in the last couple weeks. It was Mother's Day and I really wanted to celebrate with my mom. Of course there were good parts of the day and it was great to spend precious time with her, but simultaneously it is very painful.