67. Bully

I have had a pit in my stomach all day. It started first thing this morning. A friend of mine concerned about how our children were interacting called my daughter, Abbey, a bully. She used the term three times in a matter of five minutes. This friend is a close friend, someone that I would trust with my life. A smart, sensible and cultured woman with wonderful kids that I adore. But I totally disagree with her and that's why it hurts so much. Abbey is best friends with her child and has been for 3 years, that is most of Abbey's conscience existence. Abbey is impulsive, silly, spacey, kind, and loyal to a fault. She once took a punch for this friend when he was being intimidated. At five years old she told another kindergartner off because they said some ignorant about a friend's parent's alternative life style. She would throw herself under a bus for her friends. And when she doesn't like another kid, she just walks away. She ignores them - no name calling, no teasing, no mind. So Abbey a bully? I just couldn't understand. The conversation left me so upset I cried through all 3.5 miles of my hike and then I cried again after lunch and now the kids are asleep the tears are welling up one more time.

May be it was just a poor choice of words. Even the best of friends have disagreements and altercations. But lately the word "bully" has very nasty connotations. Bullies are blamed for school shooting and teen suicides. Schools all have zero tolerance policies about bullying. Bullies are mean and insecure and want to destroy others in order to feel better about themselves. I think when children interact one must consider intent. When I asked Abbey if she had hurt her friend she was completely miffed. Her response in tears was, "Why would I ever hurt my best friend. I am a good girl. I wouldn't do that!" She continued through now her sniffles and tears, "My friends are everything."

I ended up calling my friend back and asked for more details to try and remedy the situation. She said that Abbey has repeatedly kicked her child several times and the behavior is a pattern. He is afraid to go to school with Abbey. She has absolutely no memory of any altercations. Abbey says she never kicked him but he always calls her names. Just this morning he had a big smile for her in line. Neither of them has ever declined a play-date. I have never witnessed a fight between them. The two are obviously true friends that see something very different. I can't be there every minute but I just have never seen this repeated abuse. The relationship from my viewpoint has been nothing but positive, but obviously my friend has been saving up the talk and feels strongly that her child is telling the truth. It is also clear that she sees Abbey's actions are the only that need correcting and her child is only a victim not a participant.

But what should I do? Abbey has never struck her friend in anger or with the intent to harm him. May be she's playing rough and going too far. If this is labeled as "bullying" than what? Do I split them up? (Tears flowing...) At this point, I just don't know what to do and so the pit in my stomach is still there.