69. Stages

With everything going on in the last couple of years I have to say I haven't quite felt like myself. I feel that I am often on autopilot - kind of numb. Generally I think it is a defense mechanism to protect oneself from feeling anything - but particularly the pain of losing a parent. The last time I remember feeling anything deeply and an a truly authentic level, Curtis' mother passed away. She had been sick for years and we had heard about her tenuous health so many times that I think it was like, "The Boy that Cried Wolf". It was the holiday season of 2007-08 and all of us were sick with horrendous colds. We decided to postpone our trip to Arizona for fear that we may get Curtis' mom, Diane, sick. My brother-in-law called and asked us to reconsider... "yes her health is tenuous but this may be the last Christmas'. Diane was so full of life, so full of stories, and smiles that it was hard to image that she really wouldn't be here.

After our visit, her health declined rapidly and before Curtis could turn around to visit her she passed. The pain was extraordinary. I called a friend to mind the children and curled up in bed for the next 3 days sobbing. Eventually I emerged from my room, red faced, tear stained and numb. Tonight I realized that I really have been numb ever since. Diane passed in January of 2008.

Before we really had the time to work through all the stages of grief after Diane's death my step dad became ill. He eventually passed from prostate cancer June 2009. (see blog post 59. Original.)  With cancer you know its coming. From the experience of Diane's death I knew that it didn't matter how much he longed to live, death was coming and it was finite. Why fight it? I had already moved past the stages of denial, anger, and bargaining with Diane. I knew that Ken's death was inevitable and I moved onto acceptance. Right?

If I worked through all the stages, why the numbness? Did I forget something? The strangest thing happened tonight - a old friend that I haven't seen in a really, really long time stopped unannounced. She literally lives blocks away, but we never talk or see each other. Between these two deaths I needed her desperately and she couldn't be there for me. I was mad and hurt and stopped trying to hang out with her. I felt she owed me, I had been there so many times for her in the past 20 years why couldn't she have been there for me?

She stayed for a few hours tonight. We chatted about nothing remarkable but it felt great. Kind of like the feeling of nostalgia while watching an old movie. It was so nice to see her that I was having trouble remembering why I was angry in the first place. She stayed until almost 11:00 pm and since she walked over, I gave her and her daughter a quick shuttle home. As I was driving the quick distance back I realized I didn't feel as numb. And then it hit me... I had decided to move onto the last stage of grief, acceptance, without acknowledging the 4th stage... depression. Oh but I have been at that stage for a while and now truly I think I can more onto acceptance for real this time. Thanks for a breaking the numbness.