Life is not turning out as I planned. Since I was a little kid I liked to plan, make lists, and visualize my future goals. This has worked out well for me. I wanted to study and teach photography. I wanted a kind and dedicated husband. I wanted five great kids, but readjusted for two (this demonstrates well thought out flexibility in my planning.) As a teacher I planned to have the summers off to spend with my family. All this is fine.
What I didn't plan for is the declining health of my parents. In my visions they were always there supporting me. As I don't really see myself aging, I never saw them getting older.
When I was pregnant with my first child, Katie, my mom and I loved to go shopping for baby clothes and furniture. After, we would go to a long lunch and talk about the future. My mom was 60 at the time and wanted to retire and spend more time with all her grandchildren. And for the first couple years she was able to. But a few years ago, about the time she finally retired both her and my step-dad's health started to fail. This changed my plans, all our plans in a way that is so hard to remedy.
This last year has been terribly overwhelming - trying to deal with both Ken's death and my mom's continued declining health. Today, another hard day of many, made me realize that it is the lack of ability to plan that makes these days so much harder than any others.
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