I had a long chat with my step mom tonight. Someone who has always been there for me in my life. Someone that taught me to appreciate fine art. Someone that taught me it is ok not to be perfect. In our conversation she said something that stuck with me, "A child deserves nothing that is said in anger." So true, so profound.
Anger, a natural yet destructive force - like a tornado. It comes out of the blue, often unexpected and unpredictable. It demolishes everything in its path. Leaves absolute destruction in its wake. It is still nature - a natural human emotion. It can't be controlled.
Since my step dad died and my mom's health has declined I feel angry a lot of the time. I hate being angry. I don't want this feeling, but its here. It comes from the inability to change ones position. The lack of power. The feeling of helplessness or the feeling that you are not being listened to. I rationally understand its origins and manifestations but I can't control it. I just want it to go away.
This week we have had to hire a caregiver to help my mother - against her will. My mom is angry. She has tried so hard to care of herself since my step dad died. But she has lost weight and her disease causes enough confusion that her doctor insisted that we have a caregiver for her. My mother's anger is real. She has lost control and does not have the ability to change what is happening to her body. She feels betrayed and disrespected by her children. I am the child that lives the closest - the child that provides the most care. So the anger is directed at me. It sucks - there is no eloquent way to put it. I try so hard not to disagree or argue with her, but every conversation ends in with the silent treatment. I just want my mom back.
Tonight when I got home I cried. Katie asked me what was wrong. I told her that my mom was angry with me. I told her that I hoped that when I got older I wouldn't do that to her. Katie responded, "I can handle it mama, you are always angry with me." Ouch. She's right.
I can't change what is happening in my life - I feel my step dad's terminal cancer and my mom's Parkinson's disease has robbed me of plans and dreams that will never be realized. I am angry, pissed, or as Ken always corrected, irritated. My patience is thin. Obviously my kids noticed and I haven't been there in the calm and patient way a mother should be.
I have been told be many that the anger my mom directs at me is the disease talking and not really her. I have been told that I need to ignore it or look past it. So much easier said than done.
Wendy,
ReplyDeleteI know exactly what you are talking about. The anger is real, the helplessness is real and unfortunately the finality of the situation is also real. For me the anger finally turned to a profound sadness for the loss of what I once took for granted. I can't talk to my mom, ask for advice, squabble about little things and more importantly have the secure feeling that mom is there watching my back and life, as challenging as it is, can be dealt with because of her being there.
Now she's gone, the good memories are starting to surface in my mind, she is talked about, the histories are shared with her grandchildren, yet home is not the same. There is an emptiness that doesn't seem to go away. It is like we are all going through the motions of life but it is just superficial.
When I was in the thick of things with the care giving, the arguing with my brother about what would be right and what wouldn't, I was sad that mom wasn't the way she used to be...however she was still with me, we could talk, we could argue and yes I was the recipient of many silent treatments during that time - what I wouldn't give just to go back to those days instead of bringing flowers to the cemetery and talking to the air I would be sitting with her talking or not.
Unfortunately my mother didn't want to share about her feelings when her health declined, it was all about her being angry with this or that. Maybe if I were a better listener maybe she would have shared more. I know she didn't want to be a burden to us and I really think that when she realized that she wouldn't ever be able to live without assistance she just gave up and left us. I often reflect upon what I "should" have done and the truth is, I did the best I could with what I had and I think mom realized that, at least I hope she did.
So feel the anger, but don't miss a single opportunity to tell your mom everything and anything - you can't get the time back. Even if she looks like she's not listening - at least you shared with her everything you can. There is one thing worse than anger...that is regret. I know that one well.